April 19, 2014

It is May and a month has passed since the last hospital visit.  Forgetting to update just another thing I've forgotten.  April's ER visit was short, just a night, but a step down for Roger.  Roger is now on oxygen 24 hours, or as much as possible.  It does help him sleep and he does not snore so loud, of course when the cannula comes off, he starts snoring and I wake him up or try to put it back on.  The oxygen is more or less the confirmation of the emphysema worsening.  He is in the last stages of cancer and emphysema both now.  The last stage of cancer began in 2010, and pallative care has brought him this far.  The emphysema can not be controlled any further, it is merely a day by day care situation.   The medicines to help with the breathing -the steroids, and inhalers, and nebulizer, and now oxygen, and quitting smoking in December have brought him this far.  Roger is starting to fall, his sense of balance is really out of whack, he cannot stand in the shower alone to wash his hair, when he closes his eyes, he loses balance.  He has slipped and fallen a couple of times down on the dock and he tries so hard to find an excuse.  (he still can make it out to fish, I try to make sure someone is down there or he has his cell phone).  He has lost a lot of his vanity to the cancer and now the emphysema---does not care any more if someone sees his urostomy bag or he has to tell someone he has to run to the closest bathroom, or other things that happen that would be embarassing to him a year or so ago.  It is hard for me to watch him sometimes.  It is just hard.  I try to make him laugh at least every once in a while, but it gets harder every day.  And it gets more frustrating trying to keep up with all the medications, and cleaning the equipment, every day some thing comes up that should have or could have been done, but I forget.  I just forget...